In the late 80's When Michael Jackson first met Chuck Norris he turned white.
An FM station has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions. Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions. If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this: Presenter: Hello, it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 — when was the last time you had sex? Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ? Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it, mate? Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that. Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian ! Brian: Okay, okay...on the kitchen table. Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife? Brian: Yeah, all right. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you? Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks. Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. Sharelle: Hi, Brian. Brian: Hi, Sharelle. Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. Brian: Just tell the truth, honey. Sharelle: Okay. Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ? Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio. Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work. Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle? Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman. Presenter: Okay, Sharelle — final question. Where did you do it? Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no. Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway. Just tell them. Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the arse! Radio Silence — Advertising Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don’t see why not," replies the doctor. "That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Baby, baby, baby ooh! Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber? Daughter: No, I'm watching porn. Mom: Oh, thank goodness.
Chuck Norris can make music in Adobe Photoshop.
Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents. Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty sit on the wall? A: Because he wanted a photograph with Pink Floyd! Q: And why did Humpty Dumpty have a big fall? A: Because Pink Floyd did not turn up!
Justin Bieber puked on stage. That settles it, she's pregnant.
Chuck Norris can play the saxophone... while holding his breath.