The best new year jokes

A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
Vote: has 65.20 % from 47 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, new year, wife
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Vote: has 60.56 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, new year
You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
Vote: has 60.15 % from 22 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, new year
Chuck starts the new year by roundhouse kicking the old one.
Vote: has 54.59 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, new year
New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies... I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe... I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support." When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. I will think of a password other than "password." I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
Vote: has 52.49 % from 23 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: geek, IT, new year, technology
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?" So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."
Vote: has 49.61 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Christmas, food, husband, new year, women
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? A: I haven't seen you for a year!
Vote: has 44.46 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, new year, time
Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Vote: has 39.94 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: new year, poems, winter