Q: What do you call a snake who works for the government? A: A civil serpent.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dirty politician with a filthy womanizer? A: Chelsea.
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. "Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous! " The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Q: What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A: A tea party.
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it." The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!" The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds? It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.
Q: In what way are Democrats more generous than Republicans? A: Unlike Republicans, Democrats are not only generous with their own money, but also with other people's money.