It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Religion is a lot more like politics. The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.
Q: What do you call a Republican politician who hasn't been connected to a gay sex scandal? A: Due.
Q: What do you call a snake who works for the government? A: A civil serpent.
The November 5th Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day. Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.
Chuck Norris doesn't vote. He elects!
Chuck Norris wins every political campaign, but politely declines the jobs.
A Liberal found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter". So the genie made him a Republican.
Yo' Mama is so fat, politicians fight over redistricting her ass.
The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it." The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!" The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"