An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist.
They were amicably chatting the whole trip.
Every now and then, the rabbi's grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.
After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, "I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What's your secret?"
The rabbi replied: "Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of G‑d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?"
Guy gets pulled over in his car by a pair of dudes in balaclavas, pointing guns in his face.
Terrorist (menacing voice): "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"
Driver, panicking, doesn't know which answer will save his life, has a bright idea.
Driver: "Neither, actually. In fact I'm Jewish."
Terrorist shouts to other terrorist: "Fucking hell Abdul, we've got one at last!"
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian.
She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.
There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand.
So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian."
The teacher asks, "So what are you then? "
The girl replies, "I'm an atheist."
The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks the girl why she's an atheist.
The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. "
That's no reason." she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."
Vote:
Your mama so old she sat next to Moses in the second grade.
Knew a Muslim kid in college who was notorious for being late to everything.
We called him 9/12.
Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.
What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
Vote:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.
The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
Everybody gets an A.
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they are far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later…
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.
The man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants dow