A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra time."
One morning a boy walks in to class late
His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"
He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"
15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"
2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "what we are going to do today class is, I am going to give you a letter and I want someone to raise their hand and if l call on you l want you to give me a word that begins with that letter. So The teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."
"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"
Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and says "please please pick me" so the teacher thinks for a moment and inside her head knows he'll say bitch or bastard, so she skips over Little Johnny and calls on Little Brad and Little Brad replies "boat."
"Very good Brad" the teacher says. "Now how about C" the teacher asks.
Immediately Little Johnny's eyes light up and this time says "oh pick me, pick me l know one" the teacher instantly goes right to Little Bobby and he says "car."
"That's a good one Bobby."
So the teacher does the same thing with the letter D and ignores Little Jonny raising his hand.
Now the teacher says "You're all doing a great job class, how about E" this time Little Johnny stands up waving his arms begging for a chance.
So the teacher pauses for a solid 10 to 15 seconds and can't think of one bad word that begins with the letter E.
So she reluctantly calls on Little Johnny and Little Johnny very nicely and calmly says "Elephant" and before the much-relieved teacher can even exhale, Little Johnny puts both hands up out in front of himself approximately two feet apart and yells out "with a fucking cock this big!
The teacher asked Willy, "If you have seven cookies and Billy asks you for three, how many cookies have been left with you?"
Willy immediately answered, "Seven!"
The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers:
"We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
"Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base.
Out comes a platoon of black GIs.
The schoolmistress is quite distressed.
"Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant.
"Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class, was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office; he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did, and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school."
An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body.
When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.
Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place.
He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"
Vote:
A young Jewish Mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh," she says.
"Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!"
"And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh."
"Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
Q: Why was the wizard kicked out of school.
A: Because he forgot how to spell.
Vote:
Teacher: Ramu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did u copy his?
Ramu: No, teacher, it's the same dog!