"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college. So my parents sent me to dog training school. I learned a lot when I was there. Sit, stay, roll over. I haven't quite got the fetching part down. They say I'm a little rough around the edges.
Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
English Class Teacher: "One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?" Student: "Future impossible tense."
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic. So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?" "What does it really matter? You’ll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him. So Johnny’s father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad. "Well, it’s like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don’t know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steel the fucking thing!"
A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him. "I'm guessing from that accent you're from Dublin?" he asks, in an Irish brogue. "Of course!" the 1st guy exclaims, "here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too." Their exchange continues: 1st: "Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?" 2nd: "St. Catherine Street. And you?" 1st: "St. Catherine Street, same as you!" 2nd: "Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?" 1st: "St. Jospeh's Boy's Academy." 2nd: "Son of a bitch, I went to St. Joe's too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!" This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, "What's up with those two?" The bartender shrugs and says, "It's the O'Shaughnessy twins, they're drunk again."
Little Johnny came home after school: "Daddy, I have a bad grade in English language." "Why?" asked his father. "Well, the teacher asked us the following question: "Mary entered the forest with John and came out of the forest with Mike. What is Mary?" "How come what Mary is? A whore, of course," said the father. "That's what I said, but the teacher answered Mary was a subject."
Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."