Two old women were talking about their sex lives.
Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head.
When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes.
She struggled to get both legs behind her head.
After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face.
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
Your legs are like an Oreo Cookie - I wanna split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle.
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start.
I think it needs a new battery.
Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof!
Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing.
So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Son: "What's love juice daddy?"
Me: "It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?"
Son: "Wimbledon."
A guy gets out of the V.D.
Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long.
Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times.
After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.
"How's the food there?" asks the hooker.
"Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"
Vote:
Worst way to ask for anal:
"Aww come on...I bet my dick is tiny compared to some of the shits you've taken!"
Why do men like having sex with the lights on?
It makes it easier to put a name to the face.
What’s the difference between a sex night with the husband and one with the truelove?
About a half an hour...
Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes.
They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one "Ok we can run for it or we can stay here and out number them."
And the other rabbit says, "We're going to run for it you idiot I'm your brother."
Little Johnny, "Why are you so fat?"
Little Billy, "Cause Every time I fuck ur mom she gives me a doughnut."