A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night.
All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you."
The robber ignored it, and takes the TV.
Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you."
The robber started to get a little worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."
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When our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it.
It turned out to be a high school classmate of my husband's named Love.
He said next time we needed any repairs to ask for him.
The next year when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love.
I took the day off from work and waited for him to arrive.
After he had worked on our air conditioner, he left his work order behind.
It had my name and said: "Wants Love in afternoon."
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Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner.
We actually talked to each other.
It was awful!
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Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just declare darkness the standard!
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Yo mama is so old that when she walked out of a museum the alarm went off.
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Yo mama is so stupid, she was looking for bluetooth at the orthodontist.
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Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
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My iPhone fell from the 20th floor.
Good thing it was in airplane mode.
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"Backspace key"... hiding feelings since ages.
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My girlfriend has incredible sexual skills.
I almost had a heart attack when I saw the video!
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