A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
'What are you doing dear?'
'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
'How do you know what sex they were?'
The man very confidently replied, "Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone."
Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street.
The driver rush to the scene.
He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."
An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.
When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties.
"Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"
The old man says, "Hell no, woman.
It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.
Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
Answer: The dog, because he’ll shut up after you let him in.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
Answer: They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q: What do you call a blonde chick standing on her head?
A: A brunette.