Getting married is like buying a dishwasher.
You'll never have to do it by hand again.
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Q: What do you call a white guy who needs to go somewhere across town but does not own an automobile?
A: A taxi.
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A man comes home alone from work.
Suddenly he hears this voice saying: "Now its time to quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Las Vegas."
He doesn't pay much attention to it but after a week hearing the same voice, he thinks ok!
He quits his job, sells his house, withdraws all his money and goes to Vegas.
The moment he steps out of the plane the voice tells him "Find the nearest casino!"
He enters a casino and the voice says: " Go to the roulette-table and put all your money on 17 black!
He complies and the croupier spins the wheel and says "Rien ne va plus"
21 RED!
And then the voice goes "Damn!"
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.
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Q: What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
A: Lost.
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After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."
Three guys are alone on a desert island: an engineer, a biologist and an economist.
They are starving and don't have a thing to eat, but somehow they find a can of beans on the shore.
The engineer says: "Let's hit the can with a rock until it opens."
The biologist has another idea: "No. We should wait for a while. Erosion will do the job."
Finally, the economist says: "Let's assume that we have a can opener".
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God gave man his penis and his brain but blood only enough to work one another at a time.
Work emails are like the gym.
You sign up for it thinking it will be loads of fun.
You get bored of it within hours.
You only keep going to keep up your reputation.
The more you stay away, the harder it is to go back.
Q: Why are Germans bad cooks?
A: The only good one killed himself.