Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.
Q: What do you call a white guy who needs to go somewhere across town but does not own an automobile? A: A taxi.
God gave man his penis and his brain but blood only enough to work one another at a time.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. "I'm sorry, I can't," she said. "I already cut it in half."
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Only one, but she has to do it while you're eating dinner.
Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? A: Because they can't stop saving their work.
Q: How do you kill an emo? A: You don't you let depression do the work.
Q: Who was the first accountant? A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight. So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat". To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".