Best jokes ever

Songs are not going to make us do anything we would not ordinarily do. Because if that was the case, the song "Achy Breaky Heart" would have made me kill somebody about a year ago.

Mother: What did you learn in school today Son: How to write. Mother: What did you write? Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!

What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

Q: What do you call a man with no body, and only a nose? A: Nobody knows.

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did. The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his buddy asked. "Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump." "What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned. "Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!" "Did you jump?" "Well, a little at first."

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I...? A microwave?

Q: What did the pencil say to the sharpener? A: Stop going in circles and get to the point.