Best jokes ever

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have any teams competing in the Olympics? A: Because all of the Mexicans that can run, swim, and jump have left the country.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan. THE ACTIONS Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor head. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor: THE SECOND MESSAGE Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey? Regards, Alan.

How do you confuse a blonde? Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.

Me: Can I call an officer a pussy? Cop: No. Me: Can I call a pussy 'officer?' Cop: I guess you could... Me: Goodnight, officer

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school... Teacher: "Whats your name?" Boy: "Nadir" Teacher: "No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today." Boy went home and his mother asked: "How was the day Nadir?" Boy: "I am an American now, so call me Johnny." Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised... Teacher: "What happened Johnny?" Boy: "Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists."

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees," he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison." "Well, then she said, "Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!" he admitted.

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!." "No worries," replies the clerk. "We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs." "Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent. With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen. In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen. She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing?" she asks. "Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.