Chuck Norris can flip a coin and make it land on both sides at the same time.
How do you get an old lady to swear? Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo!
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are riding in an elevator, when they see a small puddle in the corner. The brunette looks at it. "That's definitely cum," she says. The redhead touches it. "That's definitely cum," she says. The blonde takes a little taste. "That's definitely cum, but nobody in our building."
Two blondes were driving down the road. The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.
Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas." The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."
They once made a "Chuck Norris" brand toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.