Q. What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A. She moved.
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
Patty was sitting in her back yard digging a hole to bury her dead goldfish. Mrs. Johnson, who lived next door, was watching her over the fence. Mrs. Johnson said, "Patty, what are you doing?" Patty said, "I'm digging a hole to bury my dead goldfish." Mrs. Johnson said, "Patty, don't you think that hole is a little BIG for a goldfish?" Patty said, "No...it's inside your damn cat!"
What I want to know is how did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain
We have our water metered and it’s very expensive. The other day the house was on fire and we didn’t know whether it would be cheaper to let it burn.
A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’ The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris! Someone to see you!’
A man goes into a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance, so the cashier pushes him over.
What’s the difference between a pigeon and a tramp? The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche.
Yo momma’s so fat, her chairs have seat belts.