A Policeman pulls over a motorist for running a stop sign.
The motorists says, "What's the problem officer, I slowed down for that stop sign?"
The officer replies, "I know you slowed down, but you are supposed to stop."
"But officer, I slowed down, what's the difference?"
"The difference is, you're supposed to stop.", says the officer.
"But I slowed down!" replied the motorist.
The officer says, "Let me explain it to you this way.
I'm going to drag your scrawny ass out of your car, then I'm going to take this stick I carry on my belt and I'm going to start beating you with it.
After five minutes I'm going to ask you, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"
Q: What is a zebra?
A: A horse behind bars.
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.
While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man:
"Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"Boobs" the drunk replied.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "We don't sell to ham sandwiches."
But the sandwich replied: "That's okay, I only want a beer."
Q: Why Are black peoples hands and feet white?
A: When God painted them he told them to assume the position
Money is not everything.
There’s also MasterCard and Visa.
A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
Chuck Norris rejects your reality and substitutes it with his fist.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones.
This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.