Best jokes ever

This guy's at a bar, and it's really late. He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor. He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor. Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home. On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car. When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door. The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell. The drunk's wife opens the door. He says, "Sorry to wake you m'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you." The wife gratefully responds, "Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you." "Where's his wheelchair?"
Vote: has 80.65 % from 82 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol
What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale? White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"
Vote: has 80.64 % from 2652 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black people
Fast way to screw up someone's Knock Knock joke...? "It's open."
Vote: has 80.63 % from 249 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: knock-knock, life
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her p*ssy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says,"Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight p*ssy!".
Vote: has 80.63 % from 113 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty
A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness." Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time." Fat lady: "At which particular time?" Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."
Vote: has 80.62 % from 56 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: doctor, fat, health, life
Algorithm. Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Vote: has 80.62 % from 56 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: coding, geek, IT, programmer, work
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited. “The food and service were great!” he said. His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?” “Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?” “You mean a rose?” asked his friend. “That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
Vote: has 80.62 % from 173 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: old people, wife
Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.” Tech Support: “Ah, right. What operating system are you running?” Customer: “Netscape.” Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?” Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?” Tech Support: “No, Right click on ‘My Computer,’ and select properties on the menu.” Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”
Vote: has 80.62 % from 173 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: computer, IT
When nature calls Chuck Norris hangs up.
Vote: has 80.61 % from 167 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
Vote: has 80.60 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, black humor, death, friendship