Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife." Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" "Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
What We Learn From the Movies: It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
When batman is in trouble, he turns on the Chuck Norris signal.
A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?" "Not even a little," said the young man. "How about alcoholic beverages?" "Never touch 'em," he replied. The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?" The applicant said, "No, not really." "So you don't have any vices?" "Well, I do have one," he admitted. "And what would that be?" the boss asked. "I tell lies."
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins." "That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets." The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work. They finally went with mine. "I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said. "No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover three holes in our wall."
Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours." Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman. With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold. Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps. Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled: "Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"
Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking. Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd. Approaching the owner and he asks him: "What happened here, man?" "Pff, my mother-in-law died," he said. "Hush how sad eh… And, if allowed, how?" "My dog bit her…" "You don't tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?" "Get in line!"
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth surgeon said, "I like technicians...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
Comebacks to that all time favorite question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?" 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. Because I just love hearing this question. 4. Just lucky, I guess. 5. It gives my mother something to live for. 6. My fiancé is awaiting his/her parole. 7. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 8. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 10. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 20. Why aren't you thin? 21. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. 22. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.