Best jokes ever

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."
Vote: has 80.94 % from 188 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, marriage, romantic, Valentines day, wife
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Vote: has 80.93 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: car, life
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Vote: has 80.93 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: old people
"Siri, why am I still single?" Siri activates front camera.
Vote: has 80.93 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: insulting, single, technology, ugly
Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a bra." Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!" Wife: "You wear shorts!"
Vote: has 80.93 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: beauty, communication, marriage, mean, money
Chuck Norris was born feet first. It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth.
Vote: has 80.93 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: birthday, Chuck Norris, death, doctor
Josh: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning? John: A visitor.
Vote: has 80.92 % from 96 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: women
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
Vote: has 80.92 % from 96 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: airplane, kids, political
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.
Vote: has 80.92 % from 121 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: geography, memory, work
Q: Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? A: Because they don't believe in higher powers.
Vote: has 80.92 % from 121 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: atheist, math, religious


<<<107108109110
More jokes →
Page 107 of 1380.