Q: How do you know you've got a good tax accountant? A: He's had a loophole named after him.
Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear... Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear
Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment? A: He wanted to transcend dental medication!
I'm not usually one to tell someone how to do their job, which is probably why my promotion to management only lasted a week.
When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant? A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.
This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"
My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness. So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.
How can you tell a black guy has been on your computer? It's not there.