Me: "I'm finally happy!" Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
Chuck Norris won a marathon on a treadmill.
Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age? A: Loss of memory.
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President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him. Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
Chucks Norris's mirror is scared to look at him.
Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.
Q: Why are politicians like diapers? A: Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
One day, Bush was talking with Osama Binladen on the phone, they couldn’t trace from where the call was coming from, but Osama said, "I’ve got good news and bad news." Bush replied, "What’s the good news?" "I’m turning myself in," said Osama. "But the bad news is, I’m coming on a plane."
The clerk walks into the boss's office and says, "The auditors have just left, sir." "Have they finished checking the books?", asks the boss. "Very thoroughly," is the reply. "Well, what did they say", says the boss. "They want 15% to keep quiet."
Q: Why is divorce so costly? A: Because its justified, despite all the trouble.