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What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? "You keep hearing about them, but never see any."
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There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
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Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
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Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? A: I'm bakin'.
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I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
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Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident? The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.
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Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
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Dick goes into a rough bar and orders a drink. A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’ ‘Why, yes,’ says Dick. ‘How could you tell?’ The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’
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Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch? (Because he was stuffed!)
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My tomcat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered. Now he still stays out all night – it turns out he likes to watch!
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