Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.
Q: Why is it jewish men won't go down on a woman? A: Too close to the gas chamber.
What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says "Hey baby, want to have sex?" The nun says "God no!" so she gets off the bus angry. When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him "Hey man. you see that graveyard across the street?" The hippie go's "yeah I see it, what about it?" "well every Tuesday night at 8:30. the nun go's to the top of the hill to pray. If you dress up as a ghost, and tell her to have sex with you, she'll have too" The hippie replied "sweet!" So Tuesday night comes and the hippie has a ghost costume, 8:30 comes and here comes the nun. The hippie pops out and says "I am the ghost of a man buried here, and I command you to have sex with me!" The nun go's "Well... ok, but I have a virgins aspect so it has to be oral" So the nun and the hippie have oral sex and the hippie runs away and says "Ha, ha I was actually the hippie" and the nun said "Ha, ha I'm actually the bus driver!"
My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick. No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.
Q: How do you know a gay guy has farted? A: He needs to change his pants afterward.
UV rays are caused by Chuck Norris' smiles.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
When Chuck Norris plays sudoku, he can put two same numbers in one square and still solve it right.
Chuck Norris does not listen to lectures. Lectures listen to Chuck Norris.