What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? "You keep hearing about them, but never see any."
There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? A: I'm bakin'.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident? The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
Dick goes into a rough bar and orders a drink. A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’ ‘Why, yes,’ says Dick. ‘How could you tell?’ The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch? (Because he was stuffed!)
My tomcat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered. Now he still stays out all night – it turns out he likes to watch!