Why did the gag-writer turn green?
Cause the gag-writer was sick of writing frog jokes!
Out of courtesy, sharks never attack lawyers.
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.
If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
What’s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.
He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell.
Petrus says: You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you.
You may choose "heaven" or "hell".
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table.
Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.
So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell!
Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire.
So Bill says : hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex?
The devil says: 'That was just a demo version."
What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate?
The ice.
Don’t marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
Cricket
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.
"Wha' my gonna do now?
My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill."
The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket.
"Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door.
"Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."