Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper.
'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'
Harry staggers exhausted into his house.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ asks his wife.
‘I thought I’d save my 75p bus fare by running behind the bus,’ gasps Harry.
‘You idiot,’ says his wife.
‘If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved a tenner.’
Harry to Tom: ‘My uncle died last week. Left me sod all.’ Tom: ‘Wow. Sod Hall.
How many rooms has it got?’
I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and sheep?
A wooly jumper.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"