Best jokes ever

A bra and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar and asked for two tui's the bar man said"sorry i cant serve you." the bra and jumper leads answered back"why not" the bar man said"your off your tits and you lock like your about to start something".
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More jokes about: alcohol, bar
One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were stuck on an island 100 miles away from civilization. The only way to get home was to swim. The brunette swam 50 miles before drowning. The redhead swam 64 miles before getting attacked by a shark. The blonde went 99 miles but got tried a swam back to the island.
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Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet A: A Budweiser in each hand!
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More jokes about: alcohol, beer
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
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More jokes about: death, funeral, lawyer
Sign over a pub bar: ‘Due to the recent water shortage, beer will now be served at full strength.’
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More jokes about: alcohol
What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it. B. Penicillin.
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More jokes about: men, women, work
Q: What side of the cow gives the most milk? A: The utter side.
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More jokes about: animal, food
How do you stop a skunk from smelling? You hold his nose!
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What do you get if you cross a computer with a herb? A thyme machine.
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A true story, according to the LA Times..... Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?" Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"
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More jokes about: sport