Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad. 
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Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen.
Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred.
The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret.
Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table.
"This is your secret?" says the first guy.
"Try some dip," says the third.
They both take a little bit o' dip.
"Ech!" says the second guy.
"This tastes like s**t!"
"It is s**t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies:
"The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
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It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.
"Dad, whats the difference between a p*ssy and a c*nt ?" young son ask.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a p*ssy son."
"Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"NO son," says dad, "If you touch the p*ssy you'll wake the c*nt up!"
My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."
A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil - if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.
The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question - to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer.
The mathematician tries as well - but the Devil instantly gets the answer.
When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it.
She then sits down in the chair and farts.
"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"
"That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."
"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
On the Internet you can be anything you want.
It's so strange that many people choose to be stupid.
Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives.
Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"
Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M."
Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
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