Chuck Norris once went to court for a crime, the judge pleaded guilty.
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The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
Man gives blood too save his wifes life.
Few months later they are divorced.
Husband says too wife, "I want my blood back you B*TCH!"
Wife throws the tampon at him and says, "I will pay you back monthly you B*STARD."
Jimmy: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Jimmy: good, because i didn't do my homework.
Who's the biggest prostitute in history?
Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes – $50.00."
A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves."
"How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls.
"Well, that’s a little different," the officer replied… "their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully.
The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00."
The cops pulled Chuck Norris over for going 55 miles per hour on the freeway.
But since he wasn't in a car, they had to give him a ticket for jaywalking.
Vote:
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.