Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"! The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?" Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't ask, "who's your daddy?" Chuck Norris is your daddy.
A total eclipse won't look directly at Chuck Norris.
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!" The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said, " George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y." "Nope!" replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face, "You want C-A-N-D-Y." "Nope!" replied George. "Then just what the hell do you want," ask Santa. George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, "I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any. Because I can smell it on your finger!"
A duck, a pigeon, and a chicken all walk into a courtroom... The judge asked the duck, "What is your crime?" The duck responds, "I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall." The judge says, "There's no crime committed here, you're free to go." The judge then asks the pigeon, "What is your crime?" The pigeon responds, "I was also blowing bubbles in front of City Hall." The judge looks a little confused but finally says, "There's no crime committed here, you're also free to go." Lastly, the chicken walks up to the judge, and the judge asks, "What is your crime?" The chicken, first looking back at the pigeon and the duck, then turning to the judge says, "I'm bubbles."
Doctor: "You look exhausted." Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"