Q: What's all over a clean nose? A: Fingerprints.
A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right. After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how the hell did she do that?"
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Drunks don’t have to go to the meetings.
A teacher walks into her classroom and turns to the children and says, Today kids im going to ask you what job your daddy has! She turns to the first child and says, What job dose your daddy have tina?? She replies; he is a carpenter miss. The teacher turns to the next child and repeats the question...the child says he is the head of a multi-organic food chain. Very good indeed says miss..........she turns to the next child and says. What job does your daddy have Robert?? He replies... He's a male prostitute miss; and demands 50 quid. No,No,No your lying to me Robert i can tell! Ok then miss you got me i confess......................................... HE PLAYS RUGBY FOR ENGLAND BUT IM TO ASHAMED TO SAY!!!
Yo mama's so lactose intolerant, human kindness makes her throw up!
A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen. The two men were talking and one said, “We've been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.” The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?” The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love? The ones with red petals and thorns?” “You must mean roses,” he replied. “That’s it,” said the man. He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the restaurant we like?”
How do you call a Triceratops with horns on his butt? Tricera-bottoms.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Last year's hide and seek champion.
The Australian rugby team is being driven through Dublin. The driver shouts out, ‘And if you look to your left you’ll see we’re going past the biggest pub in the city.’ A voice from the back shouts, ‘Why?’
What's grosser than gross? Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue. What's even grosser than that? When one of them throws up.