Q: How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?
A: Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its ass chewed!
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Girl: why am I still single?
Brain: you're weird as shit.
Body: and you're fat.
Face: plus you're pretty ugly.
Food: Don't worry babe, I'm here for you.
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender looks down and says, "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies, "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts."
Teacher: “Why are you late?”
Boy: “Because of a sign down the road.”
Teacher: “What does a sign have to do with your being late?”
Boy: “The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’”
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE."
It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York.
So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE."
The policeman arrested her on the spot.
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Chuck Norris came first.
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A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon.
Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.
A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.
The manager asks why his wife has left the island.
"Were you not having a good time?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say "you'll be next!"
They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !
What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape?
The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun.
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