Have you seen the offices of the RSPCA? It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum kit.
Think nobody knows you’re alive? Try missing a payment.
Men and women were created equal but women continued to improve.
I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says, "hey, how 'bout it. You and me, getting it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port of France, and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places. Oui monsieur; what is the destination port for this load? I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil. Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal? Why is that sir? If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese; of course!
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar. ‘Hi Van, can I get you a drink?’ ‘No, thanks, I got one ear.’
It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."