Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall? A: Depends on how deep you stack them.
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She: Well, you succeeded.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
We call my father-in-law the exorcist. Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
Don’t marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. Cricket
How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer? There’s whiteout on the screen. How can you tell if two blondes have been using the computer? There’s writing on the whiteout.
Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident? The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad". (at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?". He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!" The man replied with "NO WAY!" And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch? (Because he was stuffed!)