Best jokes ever

A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
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What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
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Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
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Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million pounds like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second…
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"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy." Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."
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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One’s a scum-sucking bottom dweller, the other’s a fish!
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Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in? A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
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My wife and I have our little fights. We had a fight last week. Nothing much, only two police cars.
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A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman. ‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman. ‘You’ve only got a pint of that rubbish, I’ve got three barrels full.’
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Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
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