A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million pounds like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second…
"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy."
Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One’s a scum-sucking bottom dweller, the other’s a fish!
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
My wife and I have our little fights.
We had a fight last week.
Nothing much, only two police cars.
A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman.
‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman.
‘You’ve only got a pint of that rubbish, I’ve got three barrels full.’
Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?"
Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."