"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"
"Shut up and eat your corn flakes."
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Chuck Norris' Motto is: "The beard is mightier than the sword."
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What did Obi Wan say when Luke was constipated?
"Use the F-O-R-C-E Luke!"
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When you're neckin' with yer honey
And your nose is kinda runny
You might think it's funny...
But it's not.
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Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.
Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded,
"If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."
A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"
The bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"
A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.