What's three meters high and jumps every ten seconds? A dinosaur with the hiccups.
A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?” “Sure is.” “Have I met her?” “I don't think so.” “Is she attractive?” “Won't win any beauty contests.” “Can she cook?” “Can't even boil an egg.” “Is she rich?” “Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.” “She must be great in the sack then?” “I haven't actually found out.” “My God, man, why are you marrying her?” “She can still drive.”
How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water!
What do you do when a blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back!
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was almost killed in a traffic accident? A: Some dick cut her off.
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem. The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination." The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive." The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem." Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Drunks don’t have to go to the meetings.
Yo' Mama is like a hockey player, she doesn't change her pad for three periods.
Yo mama's so lactose intolerant, human kindness makes her throw up!