Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour.
He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
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She is so blonde, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went back home.
Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her.
How do you know you’re flying over the poorer part of town?
You see toilet paper hanging on the clothes lines.
How fast can a women drive? 68 mph.
If she hits 69, she flips over and blows a rod.
"Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones!"
Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.
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New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than "password."
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
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What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Crib death.
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?