Chuck Norris can fall up.
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Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied.
"I use those in my act.’
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by.
The driver did a double take, and said, "My God.
I've got to give up drinking!
Look at the test they're giving now."
First woman in space:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."
Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."
Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You bastard!"
You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.
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Two nuns are walking back to the convent at night when two men push them into a dark alley and start having sex with them.
One nun says "God, forgive them for they know not what they are doing!"
The second nun says "Speak for yours! Mine is a Master!"
Q: Why is Santa always so jolly?
A: He knows where all the naughty girls live.
The cops pulled Chuck Norris over for going 55 miles per hour on the freeway.
But since he wasn't in a car, they had to give him a ticket for jaywalking.
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Chuck Norris once went to court for a crime, the judge pleaded guilty.
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