Best jokes ever

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: "This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself." Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had happened. He replied, "You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend."

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life. The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl" "But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says. "Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother. "But I'm not an American," the man says. "What are you then?" asks the mother. "I'm an Iranian," the man says. The next day he sees the newspaper headlines: Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."

Question: What happened to the only man that finally figured women out? Answer: He died laughing.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Micheal Jordan to Chuck Norris: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you? Chuck Norris: (laughs) How do you think the earth spins?

‘What were you in civilian life, soldier?’ ‘Happy, sir.’

How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus? Don't worry, they'll let you know.