When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide.
When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
A math teacher asks a pupil, what are 3, 5, 7 and 11?
The pupil thinks for a moment and then replies, "On 3 there is cartoon network, on 5 we have cartoon network, on 7 dad checks out news-bulletin and the channel that comes by pressing 11 on the remote is FTV, which my brother watches late at night."
Q: What's worse then finding 10 zombie babies in a garbage can?
A: Finding one zombie baby in 10 garbage cans.
What does a spider do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall!
The old couple next door are having a ‘Football Romance’, each is waiting for the other to kick off so they can get some action.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
I got home and found a man in bed with my wife.
I said, ‘Who said you could sleep with my wife?’
He said, ‘Everybody.’
Tom was a model husband.
Mind you, he wasn’t a working model.