What’s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
He was so poor he didn’t even get a yo-yo for Christmas.
His parents could only afford a yo.
We were so poor our mother would send us out with a shopping list to chase the garbage truck.
It’s late evening and Tom’s wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ she says.
Tom replies, ‘Well, it seems a waste, but I thought it’d save me getting up in the night.’
Tom is walking home from the pub late one night when he takes a short cut across a cow field.
Halfway across he drops his hat.
He has to try on fifty others before he finds it again.
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.
Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million pounds like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second…
How come niggers don’t drive convertible cars?
Because they’re lips would wave on the wind and stick on their faces.