We were so poor our mother would send us out with a shopping list to chase the garbage truck.
It’s late evening and Tom’s wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ she says.
Tom replies, ‘Well, it seems a waste, but I thought it’d save me getting up in the night.’
Tom is walking home from the pub late one night when he takes a short cut across a cow field.
Halfway across he drops his hat.
He has to try on fifty others before he finds it again.
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.
My uncle is very mean.
I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper.
He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.
Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million pounds like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second…
Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."
Why do people like to borrow money in Alaska?
Because they have Fairbanks!
Why did the mobster put his money in the freezer?
He liked cold hard cash!