A grasshopper walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders beer.
The bartender gives him a mug and says, "you know, we have a drink named after you."
And the grasshopper replies, "you have a drink named Bob?"
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing?
Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
What’s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
He was so poor he didn’t even get a yo-yo for Christmas.
His parents could only afford a yo.
We were so poor our mother would send us out with a shopping list to chase the garbage truck.
It’s late evening and Tom’s wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ she says.
Tom replies, ‘Well, it seems a waste, but I thought it’d save me getting up in the night.’