Chuck Norris counted to infinity - three times.
You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.
Chuck Norris once made an omelette from a Fabergé egg.
Chuck Norris wanted more dialogue for his next movie. It was too short for release.
Q: What did the seal say when found nuts in the sea? A: "Look I found deep nuts."
Chuck Norris can paint the rainbow... with black.
What do you say when you see your TV floating in the dark? "Drop it nigger!"
If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again.
Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.
In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sportscars. An owl enters a psychologist's office. The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?" The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night." The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy. The next night, a cat comes in. He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?" The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy. The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl. The cat is told to wait outside. He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address! During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in. The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl. The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining, "I was sent to deliver him."