Yo' Mama is so short, she has to cuff up her panties.
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.
If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
A grasshopper walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders beer.
The bartender gives him a mug and says, "you know, we have a drink named after you."
And the grasshopper replies, "you have a drink named Bob?"
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing?
Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
What’s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
He was so poor he didn’t even get a yo-yo for Christmas.
His parents could only afford a yo.