Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’ Lawyer: ‘Absolutely. What’s the other question?’
Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
Harry staggers exhausted into his house. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ asks his wife. ‘I thought I’d save my 75p bus fare by running behind the bus,’ gasps Harry. ‘You idiot,’ says his wife. ‘If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved a tenner.’
A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
A man walks by a table in a casino and passes three men and a dog playing cards. ‘That’s a very smart dog,’ says the man. ‘He’s not so clever,’ says one of the players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.’
A man is staggering home drunk late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer. ‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man. ‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman. ‘My wife,’ replies the man.
A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman. ‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman. ‘You’ve only got a pint of that rubbish, I’ve got three barrels full.’
My grandfather came from a very poor family. The only time he tasted meat was when he bit his tongue.
We were so poor we couldn’t get rid of the roaches in our house because they paid half the rent.