What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
‘It’s okay, Daddy, I’m not hurt.’
Why are blondes only allowed a thirty-minute lunch break?
If they took an hour it would take too long to retrain them.
What are cat-erpillars afraid of?
Dog-erpillars.
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!"
This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"
He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?"
She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss."
She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"
She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?"
The bartender nods...yes.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want, he cant hear you.
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.
Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."