What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want, he cant hear you.
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Jesus!
Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Q: Why is it OK for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time and falls again.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again.
He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.