Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
I’ve invented a human computer. When he does a mistake he blames another computer.
A famous boxer must be operated by appendicitis. From the operation room the doctor gets out holding himself to the walls with a bruised eye and says: A can’t do this anymore! I try to anesthetize him, I count until 9 and he gets up and starts punching me...
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
Why do women always fart only when they go to the bathroom? They have to blow dry—and there's nothing to shake.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Chuck Norris has a Roundhouse Kick button on his Facebook page, and when he deletes a friend they actually die.