What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
A drunk staggered down the main street of the town.
Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional.
After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any paper on your side?"
There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day.
So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater.
He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on.
The man thought this was strange but we forgot about it and went down another 20 feet.
There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on.
But the man decided to forget about it and go down another 20 feet.
When he does, he sees the same guy 60 feet underwater with no gear on.
Finally the man writes a note asking this guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear.
The guy writes back, ''Because I'm drowning, asshole!''
Why should you never let a blonde take a tea or coffee break?
"It's too hard to re-train them."
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
"When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
A boxer is whining to the doctor that he can’t sleep.
I won’t give you any drugs, you don’t need any.
Use the classical method, the one with counting the sheep’s.
I tried.
But, every time I get to 9 I jump off the bed.
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else."
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"