Why should you never let a blonde take a tea or coffee break? "It's too hard to re-train them."
Why did the idiot put starch in his whisky? needed a stiff drink.
Why do moths fly with their legs open? Cause they've got huge mothballs!
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away. Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor. Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.
A guy was talking with his friend: I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk. Ok, but how about your finances? The lawyer takes care of those...
What color socks do bears wear? (They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? "When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!
There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
Wine improves with age – the older you get the more you like it.