A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.
Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Don’t marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
Cricket
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
‘It’s okay, Daddy, I’m not hurt.’
Why are blondes only allowed a thirty-minute lunch break?
If they took an hour it would take too long to retrain them.
What are cat-erpillars afraid of?
Dog-erpillars.
Yo mama is so fat a bus hit her and she said a mosquito.
Tom to Dick: ‘My mother made me a homosexual.’
Dick: ‘If I bought her enough wool would she make me one as well?’