There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
What are cat-erpillars afraid of? Dog-erpillars.
My wife and I have a joint account. I deposit money and she withdraws it.
Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? A: De-calf-i-nated.
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds? A. Bonds mature.
Q: Where did the newlywed horses stay? A: In the bridle suite.
The other day a friend and myself decided to try out an aerobics video because we were both feeling very unfit. We put the tape in and started to copy the movements. After a few minutes we had chopped each other's arms off with chain-saws. It was only then that we realized that I had accidentally put "Psycho Killers III" in the video by mistake! How we laughed!!!!
Daughter: Mom,does God go to bathroom? Mom: Why? my child.. Daughter: Today in the morning I heard papa said, "Please God let me go to the bathroom..."
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."