Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!"
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?
A: Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears.
Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side.
He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes.
That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot!
Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want, he cant hear you.
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Jesus!
Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"