There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
My wife and I have a joint account. I deposit money and she withdraws it.
Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?
What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747? Not everyone’s been in a 747.
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? A: De-calf-i-nated.
A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain around? The man answered " HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things!!"
Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them? A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!" Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!"
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.