Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
A family is driving in their car on a holiday.
A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.
He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.
Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car.
The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area."
Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
My friend's father died last night so I asked him "What was the cause of his father's death?"
He said, "A bus passed over his finger!"
I laughed and told him: "It is not a suitable cause."
My friend said: "When the bus crashed, his finger was on his nose!"
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Joke has 79.94 % from 345 votes. More jokes about: black humor, communication, death, friendship, travel
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this rescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’."
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Eight hours into his trial Paddy pleads guilty.
"Why didn't you plead guilty at the beginning and save the court's time?"
The judge demanded.
"Well," Paddy responded, "until I heard all the evidence I thought I was innocent."
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.
Christian Doctor: "Your recovery was a miracle!"
Christian Patient: "Thank God! Now I don't have to pay you."
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The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."