Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives.
Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"
Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M."
Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
Vote:
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.
After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir."
At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.
The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
Man gives blood too save his wifes life.
Few months later they are divorced.
Husband says too wife, "I want my blood back you B*TCH!"
Wife throws the tampon at him and says, "I will pay you back monthly you B*STARD."
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Hillary Clinton isn't taking the loss very well.
So I said to her, Cheer up!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
Customer: "Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?"
Waiter: "Can’t you tell the difference by taste?"
Customer: "No, I can’t."
Waiter: "Then does it really matter?"
1st Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?"
2nd Eskimo: "Alaska."
1st Eskimo: "Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!"
Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.
Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag."
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please."
"Did you bring a container for this? "
"You're speaking to it."
This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack.
She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.
"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.
The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.
She came back sweating like a pig.
"Christ, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman.
"6" she replied.
"What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
"How many this time?" asked the foreman.
"12" she said.
The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning."
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly."
He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM.
He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically.
So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, "What the hell is that?"