Q: Why did the duck go to Brooklyn? A: To buy some quack.
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they take away your credit card.
Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!" The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q. What did one frog say to another? A. You're such a WART!
While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises. ‘Tell me,’ says the doctor. ‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’ ‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’
I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money!
I’ve got nothing against watching a darts match. I just wish my IQ were low enough to enjoy it.
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"