What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?
A plain clothes police dog!
Two packets walk into a bar.
One of the packets asks the bartender for a drink, and gets no response
The other packet tries and the bartender shrugs him off.
One packet leans to the other and says, "The quality of service here is terrible!"
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
What's small, and red, and full of holes?
A baby on a bed of nails.
Vote:
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.
Why couldn't the skunk use her phone?
It was out of odor!
Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a man?
A: Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.