There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
She’s got that down-in-the-mouth look.
Why has Guinness got a white head on it?
So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.
Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
Vote:
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have."
The other to asked how.
She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".
The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
Saliva.
He was such a big baby that the doctor was afraid to slap him.
A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar.
‘Hi Van, can I get you a drink?’
‘No, thanks, I got one ear.’