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There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
She’s got that down-in-the-mouth look.
Why has Guinness got a white head on it?
So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment.
They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.
"What is that?" she asks.
"Those are my golf balls."
"Is that like tennis elbow?"
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.
Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
Vote:
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have."
The other to asked how.
She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".
The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat.
When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat.
Sorry...