What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment.
They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.
"What is that?" she asks.
"Those are my golf balls."
"Is that like tennis elbow?"
I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat.
When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat.
Sorry...
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have."
The other to asked how.
She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".
The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
Saliva.
He was such a big baby that the doctor was afraid to slap him.
A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar.
‘Hi Van, can I get you a drink?’
‘No, thanks, I got one ear.’