Best jokes ever

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Vote:
has 79.50 % from 89 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, car, drunk
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
Vote:
has 79.50 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: church, money, priest
A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids. A lady went and sat down next to him. She asked, "Are these all your kids?" The man replied, "No, I just work at a condom factory, these are all the complaints".
Vote:
has 79.50 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: airplane, black humor, business, kids, sex
A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office. Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double. The man asks for his first wish. "The first thing I want is a million dollars." The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million." The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise." The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses." The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death."
Vote:
has 79.50 % from 152 votes. More jokes about: death, genie, mean, money, wife
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
Vote:
has 79.49 % from 1112 votes. More jokes about: sex
Guy: "You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Vote:
has 79.48 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: doctor, family, fat, sport
Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? A: "Some asshole has my pen!"
Vote:
has 79.48 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: communication, health, nurse
When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa... peacefully... sleeping... unlike the passengers in his car.
Vote:
has 79.48 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: car, death, old people
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.
Vote:
has 79.48 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: insulting, stupid, travel, work
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden." The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
Vote:
has 79.48 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: husband, life, money, prison, wife
<<<139140141142
More jokes →
Page 139 of 1427.