One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting.
Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean.
They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex.
He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean.
His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."
At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner.
Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"
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Baby, baby, baby ooh!
Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
Daughter: No, I'm watching porn.
Mom: Oh, thank goodness.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Ms.Battle: Henry, I hope I didn't see you copying Casey's math test.
Henry: I hope you didn't either.
An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut.
After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay.
"No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."
The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer.
Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides.
When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."
The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note.
Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot.
The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough."
The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep... three more Air Force colonels.
Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
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Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: You kick his sister in the jaw.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself
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Three men go on a skiing trip, but when they get to the HOTEL they find out that the hotel have mucked up their rooms and they have to share one big bed.
When they wake up the guy on the left says I had a well strange dream last night that I was getting a hand job, and then the guy on the right goes thats strange O had the same dream I was getting a hand job.
Then the guy in the middle goes well thats strange because I had a dream I was skiing!
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A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.
He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her.
All these years she had no clue.
One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.
She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"
He said, "Explain the kids!"