A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.
A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her.
As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."
One day, a guy decides to go ice fishing.
He gets out onto the ice and starts making a hole with his ice augur.
Suddenly he hears a booming voice say "there's no fish there!"
He looks around startled but doesn't see anyone.
He packs up and moves to another spot and starts working on a new hole.
Again he hears the booming voice "there's no fish there!"
He moves again and starts making a new hole and hears the voice again.
"There's no fish there!" it booms.
He looks up nervously.
"G-G-God? I-I-Is that... you?" he asks.
"No, it's the arena manager. Get the fuck out of here!"
Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?
The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
A 64-year-old lady never had any kids, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with in-vitro fertilization.
He said, "You're a little old, but I guess we could give it a try."
A few months later she got pregnant.
She invited her girlfriends over to see the baby, and they all very anxious to see the baby boy. The newly mother said, "why don't we just talk awhile."
As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby...
She said, "We never get a chance to talk, and here is our chance to catch up!"
Finally they insisted on seeing him.
She said, "Well, we'll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him."
The women were puzzled.
And she said, "I don't remember where I put him."
If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney.
Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...
I had to get rid of my husband.
The cat was allergic.
School is like a boner, long and hard.
Unless you're Asian...
Mother Teaches Her Child To Go To The Bathroom
Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and
heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.
She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself
Vote:
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Vote: