I had to get rid of my husband.
The cat was allergic.
One day, a guy decides to go ice fishing.
He gets out onto the ice and starts making a hole with his ice augur.
Suddenly he hears a booming voice say "there's no fish there!"
He looks around startled but doesn't see anyone.
He packs up and moves to another spot and starts working on a new hole.
Again he hears the booming voice "there's no fish there!"
He moves again and starts making a new hole and hears the voice again.
"There's no fish there!" it booms.
He looks up nervously.
"G-G-God? I-I-Is that... you?" he asks.
"No, it's the arena manager. Get the fuck out of here!"
Mother Teaches Her Child To Go To The Bathroom
Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and
heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.
She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.
Why is there no mexican olympics?
Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Vote:
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"
A Blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.
They are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.
Vote:
A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying infront of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Honey what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."
Yo momma so fat, she fell into a black hole and it clogged!