Best jokes ever

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
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has 79.12 % from 127 votes. More jokes about: hospital, men, time, weather
Man: "How old is your father?" Boy: "As old as me." Man: "How can that be?" Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."
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has 79.11 % from 93 votes. More jokes about: age, dad, kids
A customer comes into the computer store. I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Vista?"
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has 79.10 % from 160 votes. More jokes about: computer, customer service, game, IT
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...
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has 79.09 % from 214 votes. More jokes about: internet, IT
To finally solve whether Mona-Lisa is smiling or not, Chuck Norris took a quick look at it. She's crying
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has 79.07 % from 522 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, history
I was wondering why air is so polluted. Then I remembered people saying "Love is in the air". Now it makes sense.
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has 79.06 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: love, mean
I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.
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has 79.06 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: age, health, life
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
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has 79.06 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: animal
Chuck Norris doesn't age, he levels up!
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has 79.06 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "Of course not." Pupil: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."
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has 79.06 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: school
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