Q: Why did the hipster float down the tributary? A: Because the river was too mainstream.
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
Q: What's a hipster's favorite profession? A: Mortician. All of his work is 6 feet underground.
Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age? A: Loss of memory.
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Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me." The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him. Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
How do you know you have a great CPA? He has a tax loophole named after him.
Q: What do you say to a bodybuilding cow farmer? A: Show us your calves!
Chuck Norris can set magnifying glasses on fire...using ants.